Vladimir Putin Read online

  He has also bent time itself to his will. In 2014 he made a sweeping adjustment to his vast country’s eleven time zones, which many interpreted as a pointed reversal of changes made during Medvedev’s presidential term.

  Be More Vlad

  Follow Vlad’s example and make others adjust their lives to your needs. If your mornings are one big rush, for example, why not feed your kids their breakfast at 1 a.m.? It’ll be easier for you and a fun feast for little Jack and Olivia – plus as an added bonus they’ll be too tired to misbehave on the school run.

  ‘Maybe if you tidy your room, young lady, I’ll turn the central heating back on.’

  SHUT OFF THE GAS

  Putin has access to a strategic stopcock and isn’t afraid to use it.

  On New Year’s Day 2006, Russia cut off gas to Ukraine during a political dispute, preventing it flowing on to the rest of Europe.

  For two weeks, in the middle of a bitingly cold winter, the pressure in pipes even as far away as France fell alarmingly. Eventually, Putin forced Ukraine into a deal and a crisis was averted, but it was interpreted as a sign of how far he’d go to press a point and get his way.

  Be More Vlad

  If you have kids, or might do some day, you too can block access to essential commodities to get what you want. For example, say no to ice cream till they do the washing-up; turn off the Wi-Fi till they’ve finished their homework; or withhold love and affection until they become emotionally callused and manipulative adults like their mum and dad.

  THE TWELVE TACTICS OF HIGHLY RUTHLESS PEOPLE

  ‘He wasn’t looking at me funny but he looked like he might be about to.’

  STRIKE FIRST

  As a youth Putin learned to be quick on the attack, carrying a knife at school and brawling in the courtyard of his parents’ apartment block.

  He once threw a man over his shoulder, just like in the dojo, after he tried to cadge a cigarette.

  ‘If a fight is inevitable, you have to hit first,’29 he said decades later, explaining his snap decision to loose jets on ISIS forces in Syria.

  Acting without warning anyone, even his supposed allies, made it seem as if he was in charge of the global war on terror while everyone else had to scramble to respond.

  Be More Vlad

  We can all apply this lesson from the mean streets of St Petersburg. Say you see conflict coming in the form of a parking warden heading towards your vehicle. Don’t stutter excuses. Slap a handwritten ticket of your own on the warden’s hat.

  He’ll be so thrown by your initiative that you may even be able to drive away with a profit.

  ‘Before we start, has anyone seen my pet tarantula?’

  PLAY ON PEOPLE’S PHOBIAS

  Putin’s been accused of using his pet Labrador to frighten Angela Merkel, after being briefed on her lifelong fear of dogs. The large black Lab, incongruously named Connie Paulgrave, was brought into one of their first meetings to Merkel’s visible discomfort.

  Putin denies it was a power play, but if it was, it was a good one.

  Be More Vlad

  Do you want to play on people’s fears to gain the upper hand in a deal? No problem: before you haggle over a used car, stick in a pair of Dracula teeth. In common with all rational humans, the salesperson’s deep primal terror of Nosferatu, aka Count Orko, the ‘bird of death’, will likely lead him to accept a lowball offer so he can end the terrifying encounter asap.

  ‘Begone, revenant, back to your Carpathian grave in your bargain Renault Clio,’ you’ll likely hear him muttering as he hands over the keys.

  ‘I’m deleting you from my contacts, Peter. I’m serious. I can’t handle your negativity.’

  CUT OUT TOXIC FRIENDSHIPS

  Boris Berezovsky was one of Putin’s closest allies. They went on skiing trips and Spanish villa holidays together. It was Boris, a Kremlin insider, who was sent to personally offer Putin the post-Yeltsin presidency.

  But soon after Vlad took the job, the friendship soured. Berezovsky wrote an open letter protesting legislation that would allow Putin to dismiss elected governors, saying he could not be part of ‘the restoration of an authoritarian regime’.30 He went on to criticise Putin for his handling of the Kursk submarine tragedy in which 118 sailors died.

  Be More Vlad

  Putin didn’t need this kind of negative energy and judgement in his life and neither do you. Instead of letting your toxic friend drag you down, do as Putin did: forcibly confiscate any companies and TV channels they have, exile them to London and allegedly have them strangled in their bathroom (nothing was ever proven).

  Cutting someone out of your life may feel awkward at the time, but you need to make the decision that’s best for you and the personal journey you’re on.

  ‘FYI I spat in your Caesar salad.’

  SERVE REVENGE COLD IN A HIGH STREET RESTAURANT

  Putin’s FSB intelligence service has a long memory.

  Agents who’ve fled the country seem to find themselves becoming mysteriously ill, sometimes years after their defection, including Alexander Litvinenko (poisoned by radiation in sushi eatery Itsu) and Sergei Skripal (exposed to nerve agent in Italian restaurant Zizzi).

  It’s supposed that these exotic killing techniques were chosen as a warning to others – to keep their mouths shut, as well as to steer clear of England’s mid-priced chain restaurant scene.

  Be More Vlad

  If a friend lets you down – perhaps by moving away for work and not answering your texts any more – you can take revenge FSB-style by organising a reunion and slipping a fast-acting laxative in their pasta. Call it spaghetti Putinesca.

  When they make their excuses to leave, say loudly, so everyone gets your emphasis, ‘I’m sorry you need to go.’ Your other friends will get the message, especially when you start making fart noises. That is to say, they’ll know it was you, but they’ll never be able to prove it. In intelligence circles it’s called ‘implausible deniability’.

  ‘I’m looking into digging a bunker, but in the meantime these pans will do.’

  PREPARE FOR ARMAGEDDON

  In a world of nuclear-equipped madmen, it’s reassuring to know that Putin has been busily prepping for World War Three.

  In March 2018 he revealed nuclear attack technologies including ‘invincible’ warheads with unlimited strike range. A CGI video showed them raining down on what looked like Florida.

  ‘I hope everything that was said today will sober up potential aggressors,’31 he commented.

  Nuclear experts also believe Putin has been strengthening Dead Hand, the system designed to unleash the entire nuclear arsenal at once in the event of a decapitation strike on Moscow.

  Be More Vlad

  Chances are you’ll be a pile of ash if a nuclear strike happens. Yet even in your new incarnation as a few handfuls of carbon, you’ll want to be treated with proper deference and respect. Start thinking now about arranging a special gold chalice in which you can be carried around the post-apocalyptic hellscape by any survivors.

  ‘To your impending divorce!’

  SOW DISCORD

  One of Putin’s goals on the global game board is a ‘multipolar’ world. That means one that the West no longer dominates and in which blocs of countries struggle to agree coordinated actions such as sanctions.

  Division in and between the US and Europe is therefore music to his ears, and is one reason why British voters are thought to have been targeted by Russian Twitter bots and paid ads in the run-up to the Brexit vote.

  Be More Vlad

  If you’re feeling outnumbered and marginalised by an EU-style love-in, it’s time to act.

  Suppose your housemates keep ganging up on you about spending too much time in the shower. Create discord by binge-eating all Chris’s expensive cheeses and leaving the wrappers scattered around Kirsten’s room, then stick Sam’s new red dress in Chloé’s white wash.

  Soon you’ll be on your way to a multipolar household in which conflict is the
norm and hour-long showers go unpunished.

  ‘Maybe now you’ll tell me what LOL and BRB mean?’

  BLOCK PRIVATE COMMUNICATIONS

  As a former intelligence officer, Putin knows the importance of private communications, and the even greater importance of banning them.

  When popular Russian messaging app Telegram refused to give up the encryption keys that would let agents snoop on conversations, the Russian censor launched a crackdown. They started blocking IP addresses associated with the app, an effort that caused extra anger when it took down parts of Google as well.

  Be More Vlad

  If you’ve got foreign friends who speak to each other in a language you don’t understand, you’ll know how Putin felt. For all you know they could be planning terrorist acts or making fun of your hair.

  Keep the world and your dignity safe by vociferously insisting that only your native language is spoken in your earshot, wherever in the world you go.

  ‘Why would I eat this cake when I can make my own at home?’

  DESTROY FOOD YOU DON’T LIKE

  Huge cheese wheels crushed by bulldozers. Thirty-five tonnes of pork sent up in flames. Crates of fresh peaches dumped from the back of a lorry.

  Putin’s counter-sanctions policy has led to some bizarre scenes, with importers ordered to video themselves destroying perfectly good food. The images did not go down well in a country with a painful history of famine, but state media claims the hardline measures have helped boost business for home-grown producers.

  Be More Vlad

  You too can retaliate against your neighbours by destroying their food. Next time they ask you over, simply dump a plate of their vols-au-vent onto the carpet and grind them under your heel. They’ll soon get the message about their yappy little dog.

  ‘Your desk belongs to me now.’

  ANNEX TERRITORY

  In February 2014, soldiers with no insignia swarmed over the Russian-Ukrainian border into Crimea.

  These ‘little green men’,32 acknowledged later to be Russian special forces, seized government buildings, the parliament and the airport. Despite protests from the international community, Crimea was soon under Russian control and Putin was toasting the return of ‘krym nash’ – ‘our Crimea!’.

  Be More Vlad

  You can expand your borders just as easily. If you live in an apartment block, for example, why not quietly ‘occupy’ the communal spaces and declare to your neighbours that they’re part of your ancestral homeland?

  You probably don’t have any tanks to deploy, but moving your sofa into the foyer and pinning up family portraits in the hallways will send a clear message that the building is now your personal tsardom. True, you’ll be making a bet that no one will do much to stop you, but so did Putin and it seems to have worked out fine for him.

  ‘Give me a quick summary of what happened in the first two hours.’

  BE DELIBERATELY LATE

  Putin’s lateness is legendary. The Kremlin is usually full of foreign leaders, dignitaries and bereaved parents whom he’s kept waiting. His ex-wife Lyudmila’s abiding memory of their first dates is sitting by herself crying because Vlad was late again. Even God has to take his turn: Putin was a full hour late for a key summit with the Pope.

  Be More Vlad

  Assuming this is a calculated strategy to put others off-balance, it’s one you can easily apply in your own life. Whether you’re heading to the theatre, catching a flight, or stepping out to see a solar eclipse, be like Putin and dilly-dally for a couple of hours first. You won’t miss much except for when you do, and it’s your way of showing the universe you don’t dance to anyone’s schedule but your own.

  ‘I love your necklace. It would look great on me!’

  IF YOU LIKE IT, TAKE IT

  Putin is said to have a klepto streak as wide as the River Volga.

  When Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots American football club, showed him his 124-diamond- encrusted Superbowl ring, Putin asked for a closer look – and that was the last Kraft saw of his blinging trophy. ‘He put it in his pocket, and three KGB guys got around him and walked out.’33

  At the White House’s urging, Kraft did the diplomatic thing and pretended it had been a gift, but he couldn’t keep the secret forever and a few years later admitted what had really happened.

  Be More Vlad

  Why shouldn’t you have all the sparkly things too? Suppose you’re meeting your daughter’s partner for the first time and their slick-looking diver’s watch catches your eye. Ask if you can take a look, then absent-mindedly strap the watch onto your wrist and change the subject. Most likely it’ll be too awkward for them to ask for it back (and if they do, you can tell your daughter they made a racist remark).

  FROM THE KREMLIN TO YOUR CUBICLE

  ‘Jeff, I’m putting you in charge as long as you do exactly as I say.’

  FIND A STOOGE

  It’s easy to forget that from 2008 to 2012 Putin was not president. That’s because, after he hit Russia’s two-term limit, he picked Dmitry Medvedev as his successor – who promptly appointed Putin in turn as prime minister.

  For a while people wondered if genuine change was afoot. But it soon became clear that Putin’s power base and Medvedev’s junior status made the job swap pretty much meaningless. And in 2012 Vlad smoothly resumed his position, this time with an extended term limit (which he’d quietly introduced during the so-called tandem years).

  Be More Vlad

  A Medvedev equivalent could work wonders for your career too. Just recruit a pliant weak-chinned stooge straight from business school, elevate them swiftly above their station and pull their strings with a series of hollow promises and meaningless job-title upgrades until it’s time to push them onto their sword, pin all your most dreadful decisions on them and promote them at last to Global Chief Executive Scapegoat.

  Bye bye, stooge, your work here is done.

  ‘This is where we keep the HR dossier on Alan.’

  KNOW WHERE THE SKELETONS ARE

  Business secrets are said to be one of the main sources of Putin’s supremacy.

  As head of the FSB, he apparently made it his business to collect detailed files on bribes, tax dodges, dummy companies and secret assets. Rather than use all this info to destroy his oligarch rivals, he is said to have let them continue with the threat of what he knew hanging over their heads. It meant he had pet billionaires to lean on for all his financing needs – and if they dared meddle in politics, they’d find their shady dealings dragged up in court.

  Be More Vlad

  If you have access to secrets on your colleagues, you’re in a good position for a spot of light extortion. If not, you may need to go on a fishing expedition. Leave notes on everyone’s desk reading, ‘I know what you did. Meet me in the server room at 4 p.m.’ Hopefully at least someone will bite and you can use your newfound informational leverage to wangle a better parking space, or one of those swanky office chairs with the seat that looks like a tongue.

  ‘We had some brilliant candidates but I’ve decided to go with my best mate from school, Jonno. God knows he’s gone through a hard patch lately and if anyone deserves a break, he does.’

  LOOK AFTER OLD FRIENDS

  St Petersburg, 1968: a couple of twelve-year-olds practise martial arts moves on each other at the local sambo club.

  Fast-forward fifty years: one of them now runs Russia and has hoisted the other up to be one of the country’s wealthiest businessmen and state contractors.

  Putin’s apparent trust issues seem to have resulted in him awarding lucrative projects and government jobs to old friends, bodyguards and judo-sparring partners like Arkady Rotenberg.

  They might not do the greatest job in the world but loyalty is assured.

  Be More Vlad

  If you’re involved in hiring for your company, make a list of all the qualifications the successful candidate will need, then throw it away and follow Putin’s example by hiring Sam, that g
irl you used to go trampolining with when you were kids. Having her around will remind you of simpler times, plus you’ve heard she’s in a really bad place so if you get her the job she’ll be permanently in your debt. The ideal combination.

  ‘You must be from the agency? Right, the plan is we go into the office, I parade you all round a bit and then you’re free to go.’

  SHOW YOUR FAMILY VALUES

  One of Putin’s KGB colleagues believed he married for his career, bachelorhood being seen as a bit suspicious in 1980s USSR. If so, it seems to have worked, as Putin’s big promotion followed hot on his wedding day.

  Years later, on Valentine’s Day 2008, a corny romantic movie appeared that tried to burnish Putin’s image as a husband. A Kiss off the Record centred on a romance between a politician obviously modelled on Putin and a woman obviously modelled on Lyudmila. Yet real-life appearances of the Putins were visibly strained, and soon afterwards they split up.

  Be More Vlad

  If you have traditionally minded superiors, you’ll want to create the illusion that you’re a family man or woman. The good news is there’s no need to spend time with your actual family. Instead, hire a professional photographer to snap you and some stand-ins having fun in front of a green screen. With just a few hours’ Photoshopping, you’ll have enough images to show your bosses a different day out every time they ask, leaving you free to focus on what really matters: the single-minded pursuit of power.